When principles trump connection

Our beliefs can sometimes keep us prisoner, as if we lived alone on an island. What is life for if not for connection with one another? I am guilty of living on the island of my mind. I find myself going days without having a meaningful exchange with another person. This is particularly tragic since I am a wife and a mom. How can I allow myself to keep a distance from those I most love, and who most love me?

How painful it must be for my kids to to see me, but not feel the warmth of my attention. When I am living on the island of my thoughts, I don’t even realize I have put an ocean between us. It is some kind of sick irony that when I have retreated, the thing I crave most is connection. Sometimes I even resort to blaming others for the loneliness I feel. How bizarre! Here I am, on the island of my own making and I am pointing a big fat finger at the small crowd who awaits my return on the other shore.

The mind is a powerful lure. It can be very tricky, preying on our insecurities. Mine likes to replay old stories to justify suffering. It likes to imagine a future that brings me all my desires on a silver platter. It doesn’t seem to delight in the moment. My mind likes to review and rehearse. In the present moment my mind doesn’t have a job to do, other than witnessing what is right here and now. Being still and open, bearing witness to what is – this does not come naturally to my mind.

But the present is where life is. Where connection happens. Where love is given and received. Only here – in the moment – do we experience peace, joy, creativity, synchronicity, pleasure, devotion, laughter, play, hugs and wonder.

The mind is a wonderful tool to utilize when it’s needed, but it’s a terrible guide. If I follow my mind I can easily end up on an island. It’s important for me to question my thoughts before taking the bait. The defense against being lured away is simply a choice. I can choose to believe the mind’s tales or I can choose not to. Becoming wise to what happens to me when I make that choice is how I keep myself engaged in my life. Even so, this is easier said than done, having habitually followed my mind’s playbook for so many years.
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I circle back to this challenge frequently, still needing to perfect the lessons. Each time I learn again that I suffer when I live on the island of my mind. I learn that I am set free when I pause, take a breath and have the courage to question my thoughts while keeping my boots firmly planted in the now. If I do get swept away and end up on rocky shores, it’s good to know that my boat is just a choice away.

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Quote It Out

Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with another. ~ Thomas Merton

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. ~ Marcus Aurelius

I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. ~ Brené Brown